Worries....oh so many worries...

It is amazing to me that after all this time I still find it difficult to mesh what I want for "us" into everyday life. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually manages. Is what most people call "M/s" just mental masturbation? But then I feel deep down inside that it CAN be done. We CAN get to where we want to go, but fucking hell it's difficult. I know as a Master it's my job to make sure things run smoothly and lead us on the path, but that is rather tough to do when I have taken to worrying about EVERY LITTLE THING that happens during the day...or DOESN'T happen! What the fuck is that shit all about. If worrying accomplished anything that would be great, but all it does is make me feel like shit and be unable to make her into what I want her to be...and me into what I want me to be. For now this blog shall serve as my place to put my worries and thoughts down into written form so they get out of my head. I've heard that from novelists and such before, that they have to get their ideas on paper somehow before they will leave their head. Already I feel clearer for what I have written here. Maybe magic truly does reside in words and this will help me get where I want to go and be what I want to be. To the future. May it be better and less crazy in bad ways than the beginning of this year. So I suppose what sent me into this spiral of ridiculousness was a proposition. My whore decided to be just that... but not really. It was a silly misunderstanding that should have involved M/s without sex. The thing that bugged me about it is I KNOW sex would have been involved...even were it not supposed to be (which accordingly it was NOT supposed to be), but in the frame of mind the guy had her in, it most certainly would have. That really shouldn't bug me so much considering, but at the time it really did...and on some levels I suppose still does. The concept of making someone I love into a whore is kinky and sexy as fuck. The reality of her fucking someone else is a bit scary though. I think a lot of the fear has faded since the incident..which happened a few weeks ago now. I really thought after I dropped an emotional wall and figured some things out about myself that I could step more into the role I want to be in and have things work, but it seems like family and such have already caused me to back off and I do not like it at all. As I sit here and write the kids are playing around and my slavegirl is asleep. It is hard to feel like a Master when you are watching kids and there is no slave in sight..except for the needy one on the phone that really doesn't count. Maybe I need to write some erotica or something to help me figure out what the fuck I want out of everything. I really want to not feel this way. I love how I am when I have that Masterly feeling. I can do anything...be anything, and accomplish anything I want. This simpering shit I'm doing is grating on my nerves AND on my slave's. That more than anything is a great way to ruin the training I've already done on the girl. I just need to figure out how to move forward and work from there. Despite the honesty thing with her as my wife, I need to keep my emotions more hidden. If she can read me 100% and this is what she sees...of course she won't feel slavey. I need to take my dominant role again and be the assured sexy Master that she loves. Feeling better after writing this. It will stay because I will make it. And this will be the place my emotional garbage gets dumped...instead of into the middle of us.